The 'Good Day' Inquiry

I have an overwhelming need to check in with people and make sure they are having a good day - and I feel guilty if they aren't.

The social norm when you see someone is to say "hi, how are you?" Then they'll respond with "good, how about you?" From there, either the conversation moves on to more important topics or you move on to whatever you were on your way to do. There isn't much thought behind the greeting, I would argue that many don't actually care if you're well or not; it's just the standard greeting.

"How's your day going? Are you feeling happy? You're not sad, are you?"

For me, I find it deeply worrisome if someone falters on their answer or replies with something other than the almost automatic "good," or "fine." It worries me that someone might go a day without having to respond to the question "how are you?" Even if the exchange is often robotic and lacking much thought, a day without it may to somebody feel like it was missing something.

Mum's day

I also feel it necessary to inquire about the quality of day for people particularly close to me. The best example being my mum. It natural to want your mother to be happy and have a good day; nobody enjoys seeing their mother upset. Where it becomes less natural is when I constantly feel the need to make sure.

Even if there is no indication that something would have made her day upsetting, even if I have already asked her that day, I feel a pull in my chest. I feel like I should ask again, almost as if it's a way of showing that I'm thinking of her and that I want her to be happy. Scrolling through our text message history there is a noticeable pattern; whenever it seems like the conversation might be nearing an end I resort to asking how her day is going, how dinner was, how she's feeling, etc. I suppose it may be partially so that she doesn't think I'm just ignoring her text if I don't have anything else to say. I never want her to entertain the thought that I'm too busy to be talking to her.

I also feel that I should say 'I love you lots' to her as often as I can, as if she doesn't know already. There was a point a few months ago where I even drove myself to tears trying to make sure she knew I love her.

It has gotten to the point where she is aware that I am not just asking as a robotic greeting, and also not because I'm just curious. We eventually had to discuss why I had been asking her how her day had been so often. I couldn't, and honestly still can't, put it into the right words. Somewhere in my head I feel like if someone doesn't ask her how her day was, then it will make her day worse as if she'll think nobody was thinking about her. The thought makes me genuinely upset.

What makes me wonder is why it irks me so much. I can't recall a time when anybody, let alone someone close such as my mum, has responded to "how are you?" with anything other than "good" or "fine" or some variation of that. At most I may have gotten a response of "tired" but that is usually chalked up to a busy day or the lateness of the conversation. There hasn't been anything to indicate that my mum would be deeply saddened if she got into bed without having been asked how her day was. The reasoning behind my anxiousness around this particular subject is something that alludes me.

#anxiety #anxious #empathy #empath