Very often for an over-thinker, your thoughts take you in circles and sometimes dig very deep holes that can be difficult to get out of. One of the major struggles for me as an anxious person is being unable to look away from the worst-case scenario or the darkest part of my thoughts.
I've often been told that writing or journaling can be a great way to sort out your emotions and deal with anxiety, but I've never really managed to keep up with any journal or diary I start. This blog is really the first time I've really committed to writing about my anxiety or any form of writing. Prior to this my most successful (i.e. I actually followed through and finished it) writing was a six-page book about whales that I wrote when I was 10.
As I came up with the idea to start a blog it was never going to be something I advertised, it would be a place for me to just write about my thoughts for myself, maybe for my mum. It still is a place to write about my thoughts, but the way I plan out each post has changed form my original idea.
As I have mentioned in a previous post, I couldn't help but consider what people would think if they read my posts. Along with this being partially a fear of judgement, it was also partially a concern. I didn't want people to come to this blog and see post after posts about sad, dark or depressing thoughts. Unless it's something a reader can relate to, writing about my anxiety in a constantly negative light would likely do little more than provoke pity from readers.
Something that makes me proud, though, is that rather than abandoning the idea, I instead twisted how I planned to write my posts. Considering the fact that I wanted my readers to walk away from my posts with a hopeful or proud feeling rather than a pitiful or anxious in their own respect, I tried to think about the issues I wanted to write about and how I could twist them into a more positive story. Instead of writing about how I hated my reflection, I could write about how I made the choice to try something that has boosted my confidence (I'll elaborate in a post to come...). Instead of writing about how scared I am about exceptions people have for me or comparisons made between me and others, I found a way to write about how proud I am to be looked at as a role model or big sister to my cousin.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has become a popular form of psychotherapy used to help people manage their anxiety and other mental illnesses. You can read about it in more detail here. The simplest way of explaining it is a process where you identify and question your thoughts and anxieties. Through examining the anxieties from another perspective, the therapy leads to gradual modification of behaviour and how you internalise and handle those thoughts. As explained by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, CBT helps "clients learn to identify, question and change the thoughts, attitudes and beliefs related to the emotional and behavioural reactions that cause them difficulty."
This blog has somehow become my own personal form of CBT. Since I want my posts to be at least somewhat joyous to read, it forces me to rework my anxieties and figure out how to write about them in a way that won't leave everyone worrying about me.
- I identify the thought: a part of my anxiety or something I think a lot about.
- I question the thought: what causes it? Why is it an issue for me? Why is
- I change the thought: how could this issue be handled?
- I change the attitude: it's scary, but if I take myself out of the equation, the scariness was all in my head.
- I change the belief: I'm proud of what I have written, and both myself and my readers can see how that part of my anxiety can be seen in a more positive light.
There are many forms of CBT, for example I have previously tried a CBT group, but that's an entirely different story. That is not to say group therapy is not effective, it simply wasn't right for me. Anxiety can be really scary for both those who have it and the people around them who may worry about how they can help. There are medications that may help, clinical psychologists at hand to those who can afford it, and these things could be the right solution or treatment for some people. I personally will vouch for cognitive behavioural therapy, even if I'm doing it in my own made-up way. I think in a personal or professional capacity it can be an effective way to handle anxiety. Writing has become my form of therapy.
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